


Can't Touch This

by atimi (bertee)



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-15
Updated: 2010-08-15
Packaged: 2017-10-28 00:08:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/301592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bertee/pseuds/atimi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Chad wakes up to find a guy in a trenchcoat standing at the end of his bed, he's pretty sure he's still high.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Touch This

**Author's Note:**

> Written for familiardevil for the Fall Fandom Free-for-All.

When Chad wakes up to find a guy in a trenchcoat standing at the end of his bed, he's pretty sure he's still high.

Nevertheless, he's a good host to both guests and hallucinations and since this dude could go either way, he props himself up on an elbow, scratches idly at the dried peanut butter on his chest, and squints at him. "Yo."

Trenchcoat stares at him. "Hello, Chad."

Chad frowns. "Do I know you? 'Cause if you're here about that goat, it wasn't what it looked like."

Trenchcoat looks confused. Chad decides that's better than looking outraged on behalf of goats all across America.

"I'm not here for any goat," he says, like he isn't quite sure who would be there for a goat.

Chad breathes a sigh of relief. "Awesome." The relief is short-lived. "Where did you come from?"

Trenchcoat still looks confused. Chad's half-expecting an answer of 'a trailer with my in-bred siblings/parents' and so is taken aback when the guy informs him, "I have been here all night."

"All night?" He looks from the guy to his own bare chest to the rumpled bed and then back to his own chest again in appreciation before asking, "Did we sleep together?"

"No," Trenchcoat says seriously. "You slept. I observed."

"You _observed_?" Chad always thought him being in bed was more of a group activity than something suitable for an audience. "That's fuckin' creepy, dude. And with that coat? I feel like you should be out flashing at coeds or something."

Trenchcoat tilts his head. It does nothing to stop him looking like an in-bred flasher.

He sighs. "Seriously, dude, what the fuck do you want?"

Trenchcoat stares at him. "We have work for you, Chad Michael Murray."

Chad snorts. "Bullshit." He slumps back down in the bed and issues his ultimatum, "Cock or get the fuck out."

He isn't surprised when Trenchcoat chooses option B, but _is_ surprised when Trenchcoat then vanishes. Apparently this hallucination comes with shiny new superpowers.

  
 **+++**

  
When Chad wakes up, it's to the sound of arguing.

His first reaction is to check if the people involved in the argument are hot chicks holding pillows – because if there's a possibility this could degenerate into a naked pillow fight, it deserves his full attention – but he wrinkles his nose in disappointment when he sits up to see that Trenchcoat is the one making his views known.

"Chad Michael Murray is under my protection. You shall not touch him."

Chad frowns. He then follows Trenchcoat's gaze to the smokin' hot brunette chick standing at the foot of his bed and his confusion turns into outrage.

"Hey, what the fuck, man?!" He looks back, just to check the brunette isn't a hallucination either, and then says to Trenchcoat, "Do not cockblock me, asshole."

He scoots down the bed in a practised and alluring manner, and extends his hand to the brunette chick. "Chad Michael Murray. You can touch me as much as you want to, sweetheart."

The brunette looks vaguely repulsed. Well-accustomed to that look, Chad decides to wait it out and to let the animal magnetism do its thing.

"You shouldn't associate with her," Trenchcoat says sternly. "She is a demon and a servant of Lucifer."

Chad raises his eyebrows. "No shit?" He looks at the brunette, who still looks more hot than demonic. "That true?"

The brunette shrugs and wanders closer to the bed. Chad can't help but watch the sway of her hips as she moves and his eyes travel up her stomach and the curve of her breasts as she says, soft and sultry, "Maybe."

Next thing he knows, she's straddling his lap, petite and warm and totally fucking hot. "Is that a problem for you?"

She leans in to kiss his neck, and Chad swallows and shakes his head. "No, no problem here."

"Awesome." She smiles and Chad groans as her teeth scrape over his collarbone. "I'm Ruby, by the way."

"Nice to meet you," Chad answers, because he's nothing if not polite when blowjobs are on the cards. He's still not one hundred percent sure what the fuck is actually happening and why there are strange people in his bedroom but Ruby's mouth feels really nice against his neck and if Trenchcoat wants to watch him get laid, Chad is cool with that.

Ruby writhes against him, breasts pressing against his chest through her clothes, and Chad's hand slides down to cup her ass as she murmurs innocently, "How do you feel about demon blood?"

"I, uh, like it?" he hazards, wanting her to stop asking insane questions and to go back to the very sane business of making out.

Unfortunately, Ruby seems to have strong feelings on demon blood and stops kissing him. She rests her arms on his shoulders and tosses her hair back before saying with a seductive smile, "It can make you powerful. So powerful that you could end the world if you wanted to."

"Why would I-"

"You could do anything," she continues. "All you need to do is drink from me."

"Drink from you?" Chad pulls back and puts his hands up. "Whoa there, Sally."

"Ruby."

"Ruby." He shakes his head. "I don't mind some kinky shit now and then, and if you wanna dress up in a nurse's outfit and give me a full cavity search, I am totally down with it, but blood-drinking? Really? Do I look like Robert Pattinson to you?"

"Your hair is similarly tufty," Trenchcoat comments from the end of the bed.

Chad doesn't know whether 'tufty' is a real word but he kind of wants to punch Trenchcoat anyway.

"It'll feel good," Ruby murmurs, kissing his cheek but not letting her lips touch his. "It'll make you stronger and faster and better than you can ever imagine."

Feeling like his sexual prowess is being slighted, Chad harrumphs. "I'm plenty good already, babe." He rocks his crotch up against her ass with the offer, "Let me show you."

Ruby rolls her eyes. "Not that kind of strong. This builds you up from the inside out and makes you ready for when He comes for you."

Chad's happy train comes to a screeching halt. "Huh?"

"He's coming for you," Ruby says again, as though some unnamed dude coming for Chad is the most obvious thing ever. "You need to be ready to take him in."

Chad looks suspiciously at Trenchcoat and then back at Ruby. "I ain't taking nobody in anywhere. I'm Chad Michael Murray. _I_ always do the fuckin' taking." He frowns. "Well, except that one time but I slipped and fell on that carrot and don't believe Sophia if she tells you different." His frown deepens. "Who's 'He' anyway?"

"Lucifer," Ruby answers easily.

Chad starts to miss the halycon days of Trenchcoat just standing there looking like a pervert.

"Look, lady, I don't know what the fuck you're on, although it's probably some awesome shit judging by what you're saying, but I don't want to get fucked by Lucifer, okay? I just wanna have some nice, enjoyable sex, maybe have you slap my ass a little, and then go back to sleep. Is that too much to ask?"

Ruby opens her mouth to answer but Chad watches, open-mouthed, as Trenchcoat grabs her arm before she can speak and throws her backwards. Through the motherfucking wall.

"What the shit?!"

He knows his voice is getting kind of shrill but some guy just threw some girl through his goddamn wall and Chad figures he's allowed to be a little high-pitched about that.

"What the fuck, dude?" he demands, getting to his feet and shoving Trenchcoat hard in the chest. His dick slaps against his thigh but he decides doesn't need to be clothed for this. "What's wrong with you? You don't hit a fuckin' woman!"

He looks back at his wall to see the Ruby-sized hole and, through it, the hallway where Ruby is getting to her feet and looking remarkably unscathed, and he amends, "And you don't throw her through a wall neither."

He turns back, ready to yell at Trenchcoat some more for being a complete jackass, but finds himself pushed back onto the bed before Trenchcoat straddles his lap and kisses him.

Chad freezes. Trenchcoat is still looking at him, even though their mouths are mashed together and their eyes are barely an inch apart, and Chad wants to freak the fuck out but apparently his dick is into surprise kiss attacks from random guys with dry lips and trenchcoats because it perks up at the mouth-to-mouth contact.

Trenchcoat pulls back from what has to be the most awkward kiss Chad has ever experienced (including that one time Jared tried to suffocate him with his mouth after a drunken night out) and stares at him solemnly.

"My name is Castiel," he says, still thoroughly solemn. "I am an angel of the Lord and I have been instructed to use whatever methods necessary to secure your allegiance to Heaven."

"That-"

"My anus is self-lubricating," he adds sincerely, as though that is Chad's biggest concern at this point in time.

Chad really, really wants to go back to dreaming about pornstars. Hell, he'll settle for another one of those embarrassing wet dreams about Jensen Ackles in a skirt if the crazy people with the demon blood and self-lubricating assholes would just stop trying to make out with him.

"Okay," he says, remaining as calm as he can when he's being mounted by an angel. "You need to get the fuck off me and let me think."

Castiel obediently dismounts and Ruby wanders back in to stand next to him. Chad crosses his legs under him, puts a pillow over his dick, and looks between them both. "So you're...?"

"An angel of the Lord," Castiel repeats.

"And you're...?"

"A servant of Lucifer," Ruby says.

"Together you fight crime?" Chad asks hopefully, but his smile fades when Castiel stares blankly at him. "You know, I thought angels would be more angel-ish," he accuses. You look like an accountant who doesn't shower."

Castiel looks down at himself. "This is just a vessel. My true form is too much for humans to comprehend."

"A vessel?"

"Yes. I'm possessing a human," Castiel explains. "He prayed for this."

"He prayed for this?" Chad asks in disbelief. "You expect me to believe that some dude prayed to be possessed by an angel just so that he could be transported to my bedroom and fucked? I know I'm hot shit and all, but that's just not happening."

Unnerved, he turns to Ruby. "What about you? Are you in someone else's body too?"

Ruby twirls a strand of hair around her finger and continues to look ridiculously hot even as she says, "Yeah, but there's no-one else in here with me. The owner of this body checked out a while ago."

Chad didn't know a hard-on could go away so fast. "The owner _checked out_? That's a dead body? You're in a dead body?!" He takes deep breaths to stop himself hyperventilating but can't keep himself from yelling, "Jesus fuckin' Christ, I know you're evil but warn a guy before he's about to commit necrophilia!"

He flops back onto the bed with a sigh. "This is the worst hangover ever."

Castiel sidles up into his peripheral vision. "About the apocalypse..."

"No," Chad says, staring resolutely upwards as Ruby comes to stand on his other side. There's a suspicious stain up there and Chad wonders if he managed to jizz on the ceiling at some point. "I don't care about the apocalypse, I don't want to drink demon-blood, and I don't want to have anything to do with your magical asshole. Get out."

"But the Archangel Michael needs a vessel for the coming war."

"Why? So he can walk into some dude's bedroom and ask him to bone him?" Chad asks. "Yeah, I'll pass, thanks."

"Lucifer needs a host," Ruby says. "It has to be you, Chad. You're the best man for the job."

"I am the best man for 99.9% of jobs out there," Chad corrects. "I am not the best man when it comes to shaving dogs, juggling hamsters, or getting possessed by random supernatural entities. This body is all mine, assholes." He slaps his arm where the initials 'CMM' are tattooed in colored letters that are both gothic and manly, which Chad considers to be an accurate representation of his very being. "See? Property of me."

Above him, Ruby and Castiel exchange glances.

"He cannot be taken as a vessel," Castiel says dejectedly. "Angels cannot inhabit a marked body."

Ruby sighs. "Fuck."

Castiel does that disappearing thing again and Chad props himself up on his elbows when Ruby turns to leave. He's used to women walking out on him but usually he has a happy buzz of satisfaction or the pain of a slap in the face to go along with it. "Wait, that's it?"

Ruby nods. "That's it. You can't be taken as a vessel and so we don't need you anymore."

"Oh."

She walks out, avoiding the rubble from where Castiel threw her through the wall, and Chad furrows his brow. He's pretty happy with the can't-be-taken result but he can't help but feel rejected at the fact that neither Michael or Lucifer want to ride the CMM-mobile.

It doesn't take him long to turn to his usual source of comfort. Looking down at the initials that have been majestically inscribed upon his bicep, Chad smiles in satisfaction and then closes his eyes to fall back to sleep, safe in the knowledge that the next time Jared mocks his tattoo, he can say that it not only looks awesome but it stopped the motherfucking apocalypse.

Chad is kind of a badass like that.


End file.
